


Dennis Got Arrested

by iasipspec



Series: IASIPspec [6]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Post-Season 12, Recreational Drug Use, References to Drugs, Screenplay/Script Format, i'm putting that there because. uncle jack is here and i hate him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 11:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10740594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iasipspec/pseuds/iasipspec
Summary: After Dennis gets arrested for drug possession, it’s up to the Gang to help get him out. While Frank and Charlotte try to cheat the system, Charlie, Dee, and Mac look for some back-channel methods.[ IASIPspec. Season 13, episode five. ]





	Dennis Got Arrested

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, episode 5, organically grown and farm fresh. Once again for those who are new, Charlotte is our take on Charlie's never-seen-on-screen sister, and she's our daughter and we love her.
> 
> As always, any questions, ideas, etc can be directed to out HQ, iasipspec.tumblr.com!

******SEASON 13, EPISODE 5**

**WRITTEN BY DAISY**

 

**SCENE 1:**

**TITLES**

 

**“8:33AM**

**ON A SUNDAY**

**PHILADELPHIA, PA”**

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

**(mumbling)**

“Guys, _guys_ ! I have news-” no, no, too much emphasis...sounds too desperate. “Guysguysguys, I have _news_!” Oh yeah, that’s perfect. Nice and badass.

 

**INT: THE “NEW” RANGE ROVER - DAY**

 

**MAC is alone in Dennis’s (“new”) Range Rover. It’s early morning, by the looks of it, because Mac’s hair has not yet been slicked back in its signature fashion. He reaches up and runs a hand through his hair, noticing it for the first time.**

 

**MAC**

Shit.

 

**He parks the car across the street from Paddy’s. He glances at himself in the rear-view mirror. Even without his hair slicked back, he looks like a fucking badass.**

 

**MAC**

_Nice._

 

**He rubs his hands together, and shoots himself a smile in the mirror. Who’s a handsome badass? This guy. Start the day right.**

 

**INT: PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**Paddy’s is dark, except for the light coming through the front windows. No one’s here, except probably the rats.**

 

**Mac bursts through the door, clearly expecting everything to be up and operating. Nevermind the fact that he’s** **_never_ ** **here this early. For all he knows, the lights are always on, and those old guys are always in the booths.**

 

**MAC**

Guysguysguys! I have news! You-

 

**He stops dead. What the hell? No one’s here!**

 

**MAC (CONT’D)**

Oh goddammit! I have something important to say!

 

**CUT TO: THEME, INTRO**

**“Dennis Got Arrested”**

  


**SCENE 2:**

**INT: DISGUSTING HALLWAY - DAY**

 

**God, this place is a sty. There’s water stains everywhere, and it smells like piss. There’s a man passed out in front of an open door in the background. Mac (who’s hair is now properly slicked back) looks disgusted. He steps over half empty beer bottles and garbage, and stops in front of a door, and knocks.**

 

**He waits, then impatiently bangs on the door.**

 

**MAC**

Charlie! Frank! Open up!

 

**There’s rustling on the other side of the door, and incoherent mumbling. FRANK opens up. He’s wearing only his disgusting tee-shirt/nightie. He’s squinting at Mac.**

 

**FRANK**

What is it.

 

**MAC**

I have news dude. Where’s Charlie?

 

**FRANK**

Not here.

 

**Mac peers into the tiny apartment. It does look empty.**

 

**MAC**

Where is he?

 

**FRANK**

I don’t know. Bridge?

 

**MAC**

He doesn’t hang out at the bridge, dude.

 

**FRANK**

Well?

 

**MAC**

Well, what?

 

**FRANK**

What _is_ it? What’s the news?

 

**Mac shakes his head.**

 

**MAC**

I can’t just tell you, Frank. Get dressed.

 

**FRANK**

Just tell me what the news is!

 

**MAC**

I can’t dude. The whole gang has to be rounded up first. We wouldn’t be running into this if you guys would have all done your part and gotten to Paddy’s before me.

 

**Frank sighs and heads in and digs around for some clothes.**

 

**INT: NICE HALLWAY - DAY**

 

**Now this place, this place is pretty nice. The walls are a soothing cream, and it has average-to-nice floors. An elevator too! How luxurious. Mac and a now dressed-for-the-day Frank are looking at the numbers on the doors. They find what they’re looking for, and both bang on the door, not even trying for basic politeness, despite it being fairly early on a Sunday.**

  
**  
**

**MAC**

Dude, open up!!

 

**FRANK**

Hey, wake up! **  
**

 

**There’s a crash on the other side of the door. After a moment, the door swings open, and a frizzy-haired CHARLOTTE stands in the doorway. She’s wearing a silk nightie/kimono combo that all too fancy for her.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What the hell are you bozos doing here?

 

**MAC**

I’ve got news.

 

**FRANK**

He’s got news.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

And?

 

**Mac rolls his eyes, clearly getting tired of this shit.**

 

**MAC**

It’s important, obviously.

 

**Charlotte gives him an irritated look.**

 

**MAC**

I’ve already explained this to Frank, Charlotte. I can’t deliver the news until we’ve got everyone rounded up.

 

**Charlotte gives Frank a pleading look. He shrugs.**

 

**FRANK**

It’s important, Charlotte. It’s protocol.

 

**Charlotte nods, apparently satisfied. She shuts the door, leaving it open just a crack.**

 

**INT: EHH HALLWAY - DAY**

 

**Mac’s speed walking now, with Charlotte and Frank trying to keep up with his much longer strides. Being short sucks.**

 

**MAC**

Guys, you’re never going to believe this news, okay? It’s crazy.

 

**FRANK**

Then why don’t you just tell us? We still have to get Dennis and Charlie. I’ll die by the time that happens.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yeah, by then it’ll be irrelevant.

 

**MAC**

No it won’t. I have to have the audience for this. It’s _important_ , guys.

 

**They come up to their destination, and Mac pulls out a key, jams it in the deadbolt, and goes right in. Frank follows, but Charlotte does not.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

The hell, you guys?

 

**Mac stops, and faces her. He rolls his eyes. Oh Charlotte.**

 

**MAC**

You really don’t understand protocol, do you?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

We can’t just go in, dude.

 

**MAC**

I have the key?

 

**FRANK**

Key’s a permanent invitation.

 

**MAC**

Exactly!

 

**Charlotte rolls her eyes. How is she not used to this bullshit yet?**

 

**FRANK**

**(shouting)**

Deandra! Wake up!

 

**Mac throws open Dee’s bedroom door. DEE shoves CHARLIE, who was clearly kissing her, off. He falls off the bed.**

 

**CHARLIE**

W-

 

**DEE**

Goddammit! How did you get in my house?!

 

**CHARLIE**

Shit, dude.

 

**MAC**

Oh, nice! Charlie’s here too! Solid. Hey dude.

 

**CHARLIE**

Hey man.

 

**DEE**

Um? Get out?

 

**Charlotte’s making an uncomfortable face.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yeah, I kinda wanna go.

 

**FRANK**

Get dressed! Mac’s got news. I’ve waited too long to hear this shit, and I’m not gonna wait around for Charlie to get it up so you can fool around.

 

**CHARLIE**

Hey, you know for a _fact_ that is _not_ a problem for me!

 

**MAC**

Guys pay attention! I’ve got important news here. Hurry it up. Chop-chop.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Don’t we have to get Dennis?

 

**MAC**

Well if a certain _somebodies_ would ready themselves for the news, you guys would know why Dennis isn’t among us this morning!

 

**Dee groans, and falls back against her pillows.**

 

**DEE**

Can’t you just tell us for once, without the whole production?

 

**Mac grins. Dee groans again, much louder.**

 

**SCENE 3:**

**INT: PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**Mac, Charlotte, and Frank are sitting at the bar, Charlie and Dee on the other side. Is this a bit of a throwback to the end of “The Gang Misses the Boat”? You bet your ass it is!**

 

**FRANK**

Okay...so?

 

**Mac is clearly happy to finally have the captive audience he’s been craving.**

 

**MAC**

Right, okay. The news. I’ve got news, guys. Important news.

 

**DEE**

Just tell us the damn news.

 

**MAC**

Guys, Dennis got arrested.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(unfazed)**

Okay? And?

 

**DEE**

**(tensely)**

You mean to tell me you barged into my home because my idiot brother got arrested for the 400th time?

 

**MAC**

Dee, you can’t be that pissed, okay? I still have your keys. I can come around whenever I want.

 

**DEE**

You still have a key? Give it back!

 

**MAC**

Why the hell would I do that?

 

**FRANK**

Key’s a permanent invitation, Deandra. You can’t expect privacy if you’re giving keys out all over the place. ‘Specially if you’re participating in whore activities.

 

**CHARLIE**

“Whore activities?”

 

**FRANK**

Charlie, it’s cool. We all gotta get cheap whores sometimes.

 

**CHARLIE**

Man, come on, you know I don’t even have money for cheap ones.

 

**Dee hits his arm.**

 

**CHARLIE**

What? Dee, you wouldn’t be a cheap whore anyways. You’d be like, a lady of the night or whatever.

 

**Dee appears satisfied, actually.**

 

**MAC**

Guys pay attention. None of that matters, okay? The _point_ is Dennis got arrested and we have to like, bust him out or something.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Why would we bust him out? We can just like, lawyer him out or something.

 

**FRANK**

Yeah. You can’t out-maneuver the fuzz once they got you. You gotta play their game. That’s why I like lawyers, you know. They’re devious.

 

**CHARLIE**

That’s such bullshit! Human lawyers only dig you into more shit. That’s why all the cool movies are about prison breaks.

 

**MAC**

Yeah, man! You can’t trust the system, and you can’t game the system, either. We gotta like, smuggle in some spoons and help him dig a hole out.

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh no, man! I’m not doing this whole prison smuggling thing again.

 

**MAC**

You didn’t even do it last time!

 

**DEE**

Don’t be stupid guys. We don’t need to smuggle anything in for him. All he needs is a metal nail file, and some sheets. We just have to be at his window when he climbs out. We’ll be his getaway!

 

**MAC**

Cool it, MacGyver. How do we even know his cell has a window?

 

**DEE**

How do we know it’s on the damn ground floor?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You guys are so stupid! If you get him out like that, you’re just digging him into a deeper hole. Like, that’s a crime, guys, escaping from jail.

 

**DEE**

Hundred dollars says we can get him out before you guys can even get a lawyer to take his case!

 

**FRANK**

You’re on! You sure you wanna go against the law, Deandra?

 

**Frank sticks out his hand after spitting in it. Dee spits in hers and takes his hand. Oh, man! It’s on now!**

 

**DEE**

Damn right!

**(to Charlie and Mac)**

You in?

 

**MAC**

Duh.

 

**Mac and Charlie spit in their hands and add theirs to the hand/spit pile. They all look expectantly at Charlotte.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Please don’t make me spit in my hand.

 

**CHARLIE**

Sis, it’s either this, or the blood oath, okay?

  


**SCENE 4:**

**INT: COUNTY JAIL - DAY**

 

**DENNIS is standing at a prison phone at the end of the hallway. His hands and feet are shackled. He dials a number, then holds the phone up to his ear. He listens to it dial, then hears a click.**

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

'Yello.

 

**DENNIS**

Oh, Frank. Thank god you answered. I’m gonna need some money man. I’m in a tight spot.

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

Yeah, I’ll say. What are you in for?

 

**Dennis looks taken aback. Did Mac fucking tell them?!**

 

**DENNIS**

What am I in for? What the hell makes you think I’m in jail?

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

Mac told us you got arrested.

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

Did you kill someone?

 

**DENNIS**

What the hell? No! I got arrested for possession!

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

**(horrified)**

Possession?? Of what? A person? Holy shit did you kidnap someone?

 

**DENNIS**

Of drugs, dipshit!

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

This is just drugs?

 

**DENNIS**

Just dr-

**(looks around, then whispers)**

Just drugs?! Frank, this is serious!

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

**(nonchalantly)**

What you get busted for?

 

**DENNIS**

It doesn’t matter, okay?

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

Crack? Mary Jane? Uppers? Downers? Meth? What?

 

**DENNIS**

It’s coke okay! Apparently, I had it on me. I might be in trouble for some distribution too, ‘cause I was loitering.

 

**Charlotte bursts out laughing. So does Frank. After a moment, they compose themselves.**

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

Okay, okay. Dennis, just remember: don’t confess. Always remember when dealing with these goons, bitches get hitches.

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

**(taken aback)**

Bitches get hitches? What the hell Frank? It’s snitches get bitches. Dennis, you have to confess _and_ you have to rat out your dealer.

 

**DENNIS**

I’m not listening to either of you, okay! First of all, I’m not going to confess because I don’t have a lawyer, and second of all, it’s snitches _are_ bitches.

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

Dennis, don’t be stupid. I know for a fact that it’s snitches _get_ bitches. Think about it: snitches are rewarded for doing their civic duty and being honorable. Being a good person and being honorable is sexy, and therefore they are rewarded with bitches.

 

**DENNIS**

Are you kidding me? Have you ever been to a jail? This place is dog-eat-dog, Charlotte! These people don’t give a shit about civic duty or being honorable! They’re animals! They’re only out for themselves!

 

**The men in the cells near him are decidedly not animals. Behind Dennis, a little bit down the hallway, there are 3 cells. One occupant is praying. The occupant of the next is reading Pride and Prejudice. The third looks up from a drawing, and waves. Pan back to Dennis, and he looks** **_thoroughly_ ** **freaked out.**

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

Don’t get your panties in a twist, Dennis. Just remember _bitches_ get _hitches_ , okay? Bitches who confess run into trouble at their trials- these are the hitches that bitches receive when they confess. You aren’t supposed to confess.

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

Frank, I swear it’s snitches get b-

 

**Dennis repeatedly hits the receiver as hard as he can on the wall console.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(angrily)**

Jesus Christ! Why do I talk to you people! Why did you guys have to pick up! Where are Mac and Charlie! Let me talk to them! They get jail better than you!

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

Hey, do you want my financial assistance or not?

 

**Dennis makes an enraged, frustrated, and positively exacerbated sound.**

 

**FRANK (CONT’D)**

Then admit it! Bitches get hitches!

 

**DENNIS**

**(enraged)**

Fine! Fine! Bitches get hitches! Are you happy!

 

**He slams the receiver down.**

 

**INT: PADDY’S OFFICE - DAY**

 

**Frank and Charlotte, sitting on either side of the desk, hear the slam-click of Dennis hanging up.**

 

**FRANK**

Looks like we’re on our way to a hundred dollars, Charlotte!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Why do you care about the money? Aren’t you like, an unethical gazillionaire?

 

**Frank leans back in his chair, narrowing his eyes. He puts his hands behind his head. How devious.**

 

**FRANK**

It’s the principle, Charlotte. It’s what the money represents. It’s a hundred that Deandra, Charlie, and Mac will no longer have.

  


**SCENE 5:**

**INT: VISITATION AREA - DAY**

 

**Dee, Charlie, and Mac are waiting to see Dennis. All three are crammed into a little stall, a phone next to Mac.**

 

**MAC**

Dee, move over. Your bony body is digging into my arm.

 

**DEE**

Then why don’t you stand behind me? No one said we have to all be crammed in here in a perfect little line!

 

**Mac rolls his eyes.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

Hey! I was the one who got us in here! I’m the one who’s related to the damn inmate!

 

**CHARLIE**

Man, this place looks top notch. How are we gonna bust Dennis out of here?

 

**This place absolutely does not look top notch. Really it seems pretty minimum security. A guard leans against the wall, monitoring, and munching on a fresh donut.**

 

**DEE**

Charlie, we’ve been over this. He’s busting himself out of here, and we’re just providing the getaway car.

 

**MAC**

I still don’t know how he’s gonna get out without spoons. He’s gonna have to dig for awhile, but it’s really the best plan.

 

**DEE**

That’s literally the worst plan we could do! Is he just going to dig into goddamn concrete with a plastic spoon?

 

**MAC**

Dee, clearly we would smuggle in silver spoons for him to use. Are you stupid?

 

**DEE**

What the hell do you think this is? Alcatraz?!

 

**CHARLIE**

See, we’re approaching both sides wrong. Dennis shouldn’t be doing _anything_ , it’s too suspicious! We have to dig into his cell, and then we all run in the sewers, and the sewage will mask our scents.

 

**MAC**

Why the hell would we go in the sewer? I’m here for the plan, Charlie. Dennis can put it into action. If he goes in the sewer, that’s on him.

 

**DEE**

Why are you both so attached to this digging plan?! All we need are the damn sheets and the nail file!

**MAC**

Where is he going to get enough sheets to make a damn rope??  


**DEE**

Then he can jump instead! It doesn’t goddamn matter! If he needs to break his ankles again that’s his problem!

 

**CHARLIE**

Dee, the prison bars aren’t made of finger nails! You can’t use a nail file on metal!

 

**Dennis takes a seat on the other side, but none of them seem to notice. They’re all too busy arguing. He’s picked up the phone, and is staring at them with dead eyes. Their voices are muffled from his side. They’re getting physical now. Dee’s elbowing Mac in the sternum, and Mac and Charlie are reaching over Dee to swat at each other. What a bunch of assholes.**

 

**He sighs, and knocks on the glass. They quickly arrange themselves back in their initial position. Mac picks up the receiver.**

 

**MAC**

Dude. You look so badass.

 

**Dennis nods. He knows.**

 

**DENNIS**

Thanks man.

 

**Dee grabs the receiver.**

 

**DEE**

We’re going to get you out of here, Dennis. We’ve got a hundred riding on it, so you have to cooperate.

 

**DENNIS**

What’s a hundred dollars?

 

**Charlie pulls the receiver in his direction.**

**DEE**

It’s the principle, Dennis. It’s what the money represents. It’s a hundred that Frank and Charlotte will no longer have.

 

**CHARLIE**

That’s a lot, man, c’mon! I could shop at Target with that kinda dough!

 

**DENNIS**

Whatever. You know your sister’s telling me I gotta confess?

 

**Mac grabs the receiver.**

 

**MAC**

Den, you gotta confess. C’mon. Use your brain.

 

**DEE**

If he confesses, how are are going to bust him out?

 

**Charlie has gotten up and is now behind Mac. He takes the receiver.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Don’t listen, dude! If you do anything, you have to make the insanity plea. Charlotte doesn’t know anything.

 

**DENNIS**

Why? Why would I plea anything? You don’t do that- you don’t do that yet!

 

**CHARLIE**

Um, I happen to have studied _bird_ _law_? And I’ve actually been in the system past questioning. How would you know better than me?

 

**DENNIS**

I’ve seen police procedurals! I’ve seen _Law and Order: SVU_!

 

**CHARLIE**

You don’t know! The insanity plea got me off!

 

**Dee makes a skeptical face.**

 

**MAC**

Man, you got off because the mall Santa didn’t press charges.

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh, see! I’m so good! Just do that, Dennis!

 

**DEE**

Oh my god. This is so stupid.

 

**Dee takes the phone from Charlie.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

Don’t confess. We’re going to get you out here, and we’re going to do it my way. Here’s what you’re going to do.

 

**The image ripples.**

 

**INT: SCARY LOOKING PRISON - NIGHT**

 

**It’s a rainy night. Dennis is looking around suspiciously. He’s checking to see if the coast is clear.**

 

**DEE (V.O.)**

So you’re going to find a nail file, alright. I dunno how, but you’ll find one.

 

**This fantasy Dennis pulls a nice metal nail file out from his prison mattress. Nevermind that would be completely impossible to have in a prison.**

 

**DEE (V.O.)**

And then you’re going to strip your bed and tie all the sheets together, okay?

 

**Fantasy Dennis does as she says. This fantasy Dennis knows the plan.**

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

And then you’re going to move away some blankets from the corner away, revealing a nice hole you’ve dug with some spoons.

**CHARLIE (V.O.)**

Yeah, and we’ll be waiting down there for you, because our tunnels met in the middle.

 

**Fantasy Dennis makes a move toward the new pile of dirty bedclothes in the corner, which definitely weren’t there a second ago. He pushes them aside, and looks down. There’s Charlie. He waves.**

 

**DEE (V.O.)**

No, no! You won’t do that, that’s not what happens. There’s no hole!

 

**The hole and Fantasy Charlie disappear. Fantasy Dennis looks like he’s getting a bit annoyed.**

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

**(sarcastically)**

Oh thank god, I thought this was going to be ridiculous.

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

You’re going to tie the sheets together, then file the bars of the window down so you can climb out on the sheets.

 

**Fantasy Dennis starts filing away at the bars on the windows.**

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

Dee, stop with the damn window, okay?

 

**Fantasy Dennis is starting to look majorly pissed.**

 

**MAC (CONT’D)**

Trust me, dude, you’re going to need the hole.

 

**CHARLIE (V.O.)**

But Mac, we were right there on the other side of the window!

 

**Fantasy Dennis looks out the window. There’s a Fantasy Gang, waiting with a black El Camino in the rain. All he’s gotta do is climb out!**

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

Charlie I thought you were on my side? The hole plan?

 

**CHARLIE (V.O.)**

But we’re right there, dude!

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Oh my god. Stop.

 

**The image ripples again.**

 

**INT: VISITATION AREA - DAY**

 

**Everything is as we left it.**

 

**DENNIS**

Are you guys dumb? You know I’ll go to prison for escaping jail longer than I will for possession?

 

**DEE**

You’re in here for _possession_?

 

**CHARLIE**

Like, for drugs?

 

**DENNIS**

Yeah??

**(to Mac)**

Did you not tell them?

 

**Mac shrugs.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT’D)**

Dude, really?

**(to Dee and Charlie)**

I got busted. Coke.

 

**CHARLIE**

Man, we were thinkin’ you got busted for like, kidnapping someone.

 

**DEE**

Or like, a kidnapping and killing combo.

 

**CHARLIE**

Or maybe they finally got enough shit on you about Maureen’s death.

 

**DENNIS**

I didn’t kill Maureen!

  


**SCENE 6:**

**INT: LAWYER FIRM - DAY**

 

**Frank and Charlotte are dressed nicely, and are sitting in front of a desk, clearly waiting for someone. The office is small, and the computer on the desk is an absolute dinosaur. There’s a single paper on the wall, framed- a degree. Other than that, the room is sparse.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

How do you know this guy again?

 

**FRANK**

He’s our go-to, Charlotte. Jack got us out of paying the McPoyles everything we got.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Jack? You mean Charlie’s uncle?

 

**FRANK**

Yeah?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

He said Jack’s a total creep.

 

**FRANK**

Oh yeah, he’s a total weirdo. Charlie doesn’t like him.

 

**Charlotte is unsure. She shifts in her seat as the door opens. JACK KELLY, Attorney at Law, enters. He shuts the door behind him. He hides his hands behind his back.**

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Hi, Frank. It-it’s nice to see you again. Who’s that?

 

**He points to Charlotte, who frowns.**

 

**FRANK**

Oh, this is Charlotte, Charlie’s half-sister.

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Nice, nice to meet you, Charlotte.

 

**He smiles at her, and takes a seat behind his desk.**

 

**UNCLE JACK (CONT’D)**

So, you said Dennis is looking at drug charges?

 

**FRANK**

Exactly. Possession, right now, which is pretty weak. Like, if you’re going to go down for possession, make it count! Have some public intoxication in there too.

 

**Uncle Jack nods.**

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Yes, yes of course. Depending on the drug he was in possession of, he could be looking at a variety of penalties, ranging from fines to jail time.

 

**As he speaks, he picks up a small key out of a small bowl on his desk, that holds peppermints, toothpicks, and other pieces of et cetera. He takes the key, and unlocks a drawer in his desk.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

He said it was cocaine.

 

**Uncle Jack is still bent over, rifling through his desk.**

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Okay, that would be schedule two, because of its potency and um, potential for addiction.

 

**He resurfaces, and looks Frank and Charlotte both in the eyes. Charlotte looks freaked out, and Frank rolls his eyes, as if to say, “Oh good god, Jack.”**

 

**UNCLE JACK (CONT’D)**

Possession of a schedule two drug is a very serious misdemeanor, even if he doesn’t have any drug-related priors.

 

**Uncle jack is wearing a pair of cupped Hulk hands, the green plastic painted over poorly with a chipping coat of peach paint.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yeah, that’s uh- that’s not good.

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Charlotte, I can see you’re taken aback by my massive, masculine hands. It must be jarring to a woman of your sensibilities. Sheer masculinity like this, it’s-it’s a lot to take in...

 

**He seems to get lost thinking of his own hands. Charlotte looks to Frank, eyes wide. He waves dismissively.**

 

**FRANK**

Jack. Listen. Your hands are wonderful. We just gotta know. Can you get him out? We have a lot riding on this.

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Of course I can. I’ve helped people in far more...compromising positions. I don’t usually handle controlled substances, but I’ve defended _art_ , so I can defend a man’s...a man’s liberty to do with his body what he pleases.

 

**This seems to marinate a moment, and Charlotte sighs.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Frank, can I have your keys? I think I’m going to go sit in the car. All this law stuff is boring.

 

**He sighs, and hands her his keys. She takes them, and heads on out.**

 

**FRANK**

Jack, we ain’t lookin’ for a civil liberties case, okay? We just need Dennis out ASAP. We’ve got a bet going. Me and Charlotte, we gotta get him out _legally_ before Charlie, Dee, and Mac can get him out _illegally_.

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Oh. Well, what are the terms of the bet? Does he have to be cleared of the charges? You could just see about bail, and pay it. It shouldn’t be too much if he hasn’t been convicted of possession before.

 

**Frank jumps out of his chair, exhilarated. Of course! How hadn’t he thought of this before?**

 

**FRANK**

Jack, you’re a genius! That’s why they pay you the big bucks!

 

**A young woman, the secretary, pokes her head in the door.**

 

**SECRETARY**

Mr. Reynolds?

 

**FRANK**

Yeah?

 

**SECRETARY**

Can you rein in your companion?

 

**Frank gives her a questioning look, and she points to the window. Uncle Jack and Frank take a look down into the parking lot.**

 

**EXT: LAWYER FIRM - DAY**

 

**Charlotte is kicking a black 2001 Sedan. She’s keyed the passenger side doors and written a few expletives. She’s yelling, but she is unintelligible through the upstairs window.**

 

**FRANK (V.O.)**

Shit.

  


**SCENE 7:**

**INT: MAC AND DENNIS’S APARTMENT - DAY**

 

**Mac opens the front door, and leads Charlie and Dee into his and Dennis’s apartment. They’re on a mission, bitches.**

 

**MAC**

Okay, guys, remember. We’re here to find anything that can possibly help get Dennis out. Now we said in the bet, we would look for back-channel methods. That doesn’t necessarily mean illegal methods of getting him out.

 

**Charlie’s already rifling through papers on the tables. Dee takes a pen out of the nearby cup. She makes a disgusted face.**

 

**DEE**

Do you just, like, eat pens?

 

**Mac snatches the pen out of her hands, and slaps Charlie’s hands away from the papers.**

 

**MAC**

Stop it. I said look for evidence. Don’t snoop.

 

**CHARLIE**

What’s the difference, dude?

 

**MAC**

Don’t just go rifling through my shit, that’s the difference!

 

**Charlie pulls a magazine from the pile before Mac can stop him. There’s an amazing beefcake gracing the cover, in all his glossy, oversaturated glory. Charlie is smiling.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I dunno why you’d hide this from us, dude.

 

**Mac snatches it back, just as Charlie and Dee begin giggling. Mac rolls his eyes. This has got to be what Dennis is talking about when he complains about the stress of being the leader.**

 

**MAC**

Can’t you guys focus for just a second? Go investigate or whatever. God.

 

**He glares at Charlie, and heads for an adjoining room. They’re quiet for a moment.**

 

**DEE**

Wanna go through all Dennis’s shit?

 

**CHARLIE**

Duh?

 

**They make a beeline for Dennis’s room. Charlie immediately starts rifling through Dennis’s dresser. Socks, underwear, various other Dennis Necessities. Dee, however, spots a red light from a shelf.**

 

**DEE**

Oh man, he’s got this place really rigged, huh?

 

**CHARLIE**

Uh-huh.

 

**He pulls a small plastic bag from the the drawer. It contains some white powder.**

 

**CHARLIE (CONT’D)**

Oh shit, dude!

 

**DEE**

What is it?

 

**She comes over, and sees the little baggie.**

 

**DEE (CONT’D)**

You think..?

 

**Charlie opens the bag, and sniffs it, then licks some off his finger. He makes a face.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Huh.

 

**He nods, as if tasting an exotic wine.**

 

**CHARLIE (CONT’D)**

It’s good shit, Dee.

 

**DEE**

No way.

 

**She sticks her pinky in the bag and snorts it.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Dee, I’m telling you, it’s good shit.

 

**He does the same.**

 

**DEE**

And I’m telling you, _Charlie_ , that there is no way!

 

**She takes another hit.**

 

**It goes on like this for awhile.**

 

**INT: KITCHEN - DAY**

 

**Mac’s in the kitchen now, eating a Gatorade powerbar. Even though he has done nothing today warranting that kind of chocolate covered monstrosity. He’s also flipping through the magazine. Man, are those beefcakes impressive.**

 

**He hears a crash.**

 

**DEE (V.O.)**

Shit!

 

**Giggles.**

 

**Mac narrows his eyes.**

**Closes the magazine.**

**Puts down the powerbar.**

 

**God, being the leader sucks.**

 

**He heads for Dennis’s room, and pushes open the door.**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(talking fast)**

Mac! Dude! I broke a lamp, dude!

 

**DEE**

**(laughing)**

He crashed right _into_ it!

 

**Alright, Mac. What’s going on here. Time to Sherlock Holmes this shit. Dilated pupils, fast talking, and — ew, yep. Charlie’s nose is bleeding.**

 

**MAC**

Are you guys high?

**DEE**

Yeah.

 

**CHARLIE**

Little bit.

 

**Mac looks tired, and on the verge of frustration.**

 

**MAC**

Guys, you snorted evidence!

 

**CHARLIE**

Mac, chill. It wasn’t relevant. It was crushed Ritalin.

 

**MAC**

You dumbass! Ritalin is legal! If he got caught with Ritalin and not coke, we can bust him out! On a technicality! Give me that bag.

 

**He spots the empty baggie, and snatches it off the bed.**

 

**DEE**

I think Ritalin is still illegal.

 

**MAC**

Don’t be stupid, Dee. I know you’re high, but use your brain, okay? It’s a medicine, therefore it is legal.

  


**SCENE 8:**

**INT: PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**Charlotte is behind the bar, aggressively cleaning glasses and mugs. Frank and Uncle Jack are sitting on the other side. Yes, Jack still has those nightmarish cupped Hulk hands on.**

 

**FRANK**

Don’t press charges, Jack. It’s just a keyed up car.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Press charges, sue me. I’ll do it again!

 

**FRANK**

Charlotte, I’m trying to help you! And Jack here, Jack’s trying to help us swindle Mac, Dee, and Charlie!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I don’t want his help, Frank!

 

**Frank waves at her dismissively, and turns back to Uncle Jack.**

 

**FRANK**

Listen Jack. Don’t press charges. Don’t sue. You’ll never win in court.

 

**Uncle Jack looks rattled.**

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Why not?

 

**Frank scoffs, and gestures to Uncle Jack’s Hulk hands.**

 

**FRANK**

You kiddin’ me? You need tough, sturdy, masculine hands to win, especially against Charlotte.

 

**Frank grabs Charlotte’s hand, and shows it to Uncle Jack.**

 

**FRANK (CONT’D)**

Look at this girl’s hand, Jack. You can’t beat someone with hands like this.

 

**UNCLE JACK**

**(dejectedly)**

Of course. I should have known. Th-thank you Frank.

 

**Charlotte snatches her hand back.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Listen. Can you just tell us what to do with the bail, and we can go our separate ways?

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Well, first thing’s first. You have to-

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

You lose, assholes!

 

**Mac strides through the door, followed by Dee and Charlie. Good God, those two look absolutely terrible. Who knew a Ritalin comedown could make you look like you just stepped out of the morgue.**

 

**DEE**

God, can you shut up. You don’t have a goddamn smoking gun.

 

**MAC**

Oh, but I do, Deandra!

 

**He comes around and joins Charlotte behind the bar. He digs in his pocket, then slaps the bag, formerly containing crushed Ritalin, down on the bar.**

 

**MAC (CONT’D)**

There it is! Smoking gun!

 

**FRANK**

The hell is that? Is that coke?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You realize your end of the bet was to break him out, not keep him in, right?

 

**MAC**

Yes, I know! It had Ritalin, not cocaine in it! Dennis probably bought Ritalin, not coke! He committed no crime!

 

**Dee and Charlie practically fall into stools at the bar.**

 

**DEE**

I already told you, Ritalin is illegal, you goddamn white stain!

 

**MAC**

And I already told you, _Dee_ , that it is a medicine prescribed to those who suffer from ADHD, and it is a medicine, and therefore it is not a crime to possess.

 

**UNCLE JACK**

No, no. She’s right. Without a prescription, it actually carries the same penalty as cocaine.

 

**MAC**

Dammit!

 

**He slams his hand down on the bar, and Uncle Jack takes notice.**

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Oh, that’s okay, Mac.

 

**He begins to stroke Mac’s hand with his curved plastic fingers.**

 

**UNCLE JACK (CONT’D)**

You have...exquisite hands, Mac...tough, sturdy, masculine hands…

 

**Charlie drags his hands down his face.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Stop it with the hand thing, Uncle Jack. Jesus Christ.

 

**UNCLE JACK**

Charlie, you have tough, masculine hands too.

 

**He touches Charlie’s hand and tries to sling his arm around him. Charlie shrugs away. And evidently, Charlotte has had just about enough.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(calmly)**

Oh man, I’m gonna kill you.

**(getting louder)**

I’m gonna kill you, you fucking freak!

 

**She crawls over the bar before Mac can grab her and hold her back. (Not that he’d try anyway.) She practically tackles Uncle Jack to the floor. She has him by the neck, and is clearly wringing it.**

 

**Go Charlotte!**

 

**FRANK**

Charlotte, no! Not yet! I told you, do this later!

 

**Charlie takes a single look over his shoulder as his sister attempts a homicide, sighs, and turns back around, uninterested.**

 

**Mac, too, sighs, but then comes around to yank Charlotte off of Uncle Jack. Man, being a leader sucks. He can’t have any fun! He wraps his arms around her waist and heaves. But she’s not letting him off that easy! She digs her knees in and keeps on throttling Uncle Jack.**

 

**MAC**

Charlotte! Let him go, dude!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No! I said I’m gonna kill him, and I’m gonna!

 

**CUT TO: DENNIS, STANDING IN THE DOORWAY**

 

**DENNIS**

Man, I leave for a day, and it all goes to shit. Typical.

 

**Everyone turns to look at him, shocked. Charlotte even drops her grip on Uncle Jack’s neck. He coughs, catching his breath.**

 

**FRANK**

Dennis? The hell are you doing here?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

We haven’t even posted bail yet!

 

**Dee sits up and looks around at Charlotte.**

 

**DEE**

Posted bail? You guys were gonna cheat?

 

**FRANK**

Hey, you guys were cheating too. You were looking for evidence to exonerate him, not helping him escape illegally.

 

**He picks up the Ritalin bag.**

 

**FRANK (CONT’D)**

Cheaters!

 

**Dennis comes over and snatches the bag.**

 

**DENNIS**

What did you assholes do with my Ritalin?

  
**  
**

**CHARLIE**

Snorted it.

**DEE**

Used it? Don’t be stupid, Dennis.

  


**MAC**

Dude, how did you get out?

 

**Mac is still holding Charlotte, who’s hands are still claws looking for a neck to choke.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

How did you schmooze your way out of there? Holy shit, did you bang a guard or something?

 

**DENNIS**

I didn’t schmooze or bang anyone, Charlotte. I’ll have you know, lab tests came back and confirmed I was not, in fact, in possession of coke.

 

**Charlie snorts.**

 

**CHARLIE**

You _said_ you had it on you, dude.

 

**DENNIS**

Nah, I said they found coke on me. I’ve been selling it. But like, not actual coke. I’m selling crackheads borax. Guy who got me assumed it was coke. Looks just like it.

 

**DEE**

God, you’re such a-

 

**MAC**

Genius! Dude, you’re a genius! Oh man! Guys, that means we win!

 

**He drops Charlotte, and she falls in a heap on Uncle Jack. She considers going for him again, but the moment has passed.**

 

**FRANK**

Oh, no! You did not win the bet! You didn’t get him out, the lab did.

 

**MAC**

Oh, no, Frank. The bet was you guys had to get him out using a lawyer.

**(gestures to Uncle Jack)**

While Dee, Charlie, and I had to get him out through other means. We win!

 

**DENNIS**

Whoa, whoa, if that was the bet, then I should win. None of you helped me. I was never guilty of a crime to begin with.

 

**MAC**

That’s such bullshit, and you know it dude!

 

**DENNIS**

That’s bullshit? Ask the lawyer lying at your feet, man!

 

**FRANK**

Who gets the money, Jacky?

 

**UNCLE JACK**

**(hoarsely)**

Give it to me, and I won’t press assault charges.

 

**DEE**

That’s fair.

 

**Frank, Mac, and Dennis look at Charlotte.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yeah, alright.

**(Pause.)**

Actually, Jack, I’ll make it 200. But I wanna do something first.

  


**SCENE 9: CREDITS**

**EXT: PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**The bells of** [ **theme #2** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUKy_OwuXv8) **begin the scene, and the song continues in the background.**

 

**A black 2001 Sedan is parked across the street from Paddy’s. It is covered in key scratches and profanities. Written across the passenger side, which faces Paddy’s, are four large, clear, scratched-in letters:**

 

**_P E D O_.**

 

**Uncle Jack, hands now bare, sits on the sidewalk a few feet away. Stones hit the car and an egg explodes across his face.**

 

**CHARLIE (V.O.)**

**(laughing)**

Alright! Nailed it!

 

**CUT TO: The Gang.**

 

**A carton of eggs sits on the sidewalk, next to a big box of rocks.**

 

**The Gang is pelting rocks at the car, and eggs at Jack. Charlie throws with particular vengeance.**

 

**Overall, they look like they’re having the time of their lives, really.**

**DENNIS**

Eat shit, baby hands!

 

**DEE**

Creep! **  
**

  
**  
**

**MAC**

Go die, bozo!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Get fucked, asshole!

 

**Frank hands Charlie a rock.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Go to hell, Uncle Jack!

 

**He throws the rock, and it flies dangerously close to Jack. He visibly flinches, and the Gang cheers.**

 

**Truly cathartic.**

 

**Credits roll and** [ **theme #2** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUKy_OwuXv8) **continues. The Gang can be heard under the music, still hurling insults, and cheering when a good throw lands.**

 

**The camera pans out down the road, and the Gang continues throwing. Technically, Dennis probably won the bet, but Charlie has really won the day.**

 

**THE END**


End file.
